Skeptical Shareholder Gifts

'It's scoundrel time . . . '

The Solar System (after deregulation)

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"You have to believe what you're doing will lead to something valuable, even though it probably won't."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

Stock market investment advice

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

'Today the house voted for a timeline, the sentate voted for benchmarks, and Halliburton voted for staying the course.'

"Do you want to ruin me?! Take it away!!"

Down on Her.

With-it Woman

'If there's one thing I've learnt being a manager,it's taking credit where it isn't due!'

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

'I'm sure they make it up in volume.'

Our Mission: "Who are we trying to kid? It's just one day at a time around here!"

"It's really a lateral transfer, Crampton, From 'Nobody' to 'Flunkie'."

Profit can be a silly thing, but your boss thinks it is everything.

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

'Downsizing through attrition will work if enough employees will cooperate and die.'

'Before we get started, I would like to thank our stockholder for coming tonight...'

'Well, if you consider normal corporate surveillance, interrogation, and harassment 'union-busting,', nothing I have to say will change your mind.'

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

Headphones Strip 18: Shared profits

'I need a small, temporary tax hike - I found a great investment opportunity in Nigeria.'

"You know it almost BEGGARS belief that so many people are unwilling to pay for professional pension advice."

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'