Skeptical Shareholder Gifts

'It's scoundrel time . . . '

The Solar System (after deregulation)

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"You have to believe what you're doing will lead to something valuable, even though it probably won't."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

Stock market investment advice

'We're all right as long as they think we're taking millions.'

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

'We raised the price, so at least as far as we're concerned it's new and improved.'

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"Do you want to ruin me?! Take it away!!"

'Today the house voted for a timeline, the sentate voted for benchmarks, and Halliburton voted for staying the course.'

With-it Woman

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

Down on Her.

'If there's one thing I've learnt being a manager,it's taking credit where it isn't due!'

'I'm sure they make it up in volume.'

Our Mission: "Who are we trying to kid? It's just one day at a time around here!"

'Before we get started, I would like to thank our stockholder for coming tonight...'

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

'Perhaps we would be better off with fewer fans on Facebook and Twitter, and more on Visa and Mastercard!'

Profit can be a silly thing, but your boss thinks it is everything.

Guide to Working Class Investing

"It's really a lateral transfer, Crampton, From 'Nobody' to 'Flunkie'."

'Downsizing through attrition will work if enough employees will cooperate and die.'

'Well, if you consider normal corporate surveillance, interrogation, and harassment 'union-busting,', nothing I have to say will change your mind.'

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"You know it almost BEGGARS belief that so many people are unwilling to pay for professional pension advice."

"I invested $1000 in Nortel and now my shares are worth 18 cents."

Headphones Strip 18: Shared profits

'I need a small, temporary tax hike - I found a great investment opportunity in Nigeria.'

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'