Situational Humor Gifts

Woman gossiping on emergency phone

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

Trump

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

Mowing the Bottle-Garden

"Not wearing deodorant is not what I meant by 'respect the local customs'"

"This is a very nice thing you’re doing."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

Junk Stamps For Junk Mail.

'If we're to be able to afford a cutting edge IT system then we have to make sacrifices...and you're ours.'

"Ed Lowry: Worst hunter ever"

"Oh George, I wish you'd get things in perspective. . .!"

I don't care if you have a ticket - hop it.

"That's not what you told my screener you wanted to talk about."

"Before I give you this anonymous Valentine's card could you just sign this waiver confirming that you won't fall uncontrollably in love with me, or take out a sexual harassment suit."

'Your moon is on Saturn. Your sun is on Venus, and your hand is on my thigh!'

"I can’t chase you today … he’s in one of his moods."

"You mind if I smoke?"

"Stick what up?"

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

"If anyone's got a plan B, now would be a good time."

'I heard your licence was revoked.'

"Don't, son – once they cross over into meats, they're out of our jurisdiction."

'Let me swear on my grandchildren that our business is 100% legit. We outsourced extortion to the IRS, and assassination to the Pentagon!'

"Now I know why those cruise tickets were so cheap!"

Prisoner is treated to leg of lamb for dinner.

"Why am I always the bad guy?"

"Of course you can have some respect sir, but we don't treat wounded pride!"

Ledge Rescue Service

Sp££d Camera

"I haven't got time for a whole lot of paperwork. The wedding's tomorrow."

Gary Lineker Twitter Row with the BBC

'Poor Danny - every sheep shearing season he got in trouble!'