Situational Humor Pillows

Woman gossiping on emergency phone

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

Trump

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

Mowing the Bottle-Garden

"Not wearing deodorant is not what I meant by 'respect the local customs'"

"This is a very nice thing you’re doing."

'If we're to be able to afford a cutting edge IT system then we have to make sacrifices...and you're ours.'

"Ed Lowry: Worst hunter ever"

It's good news when an agent says "This is a big break" to an aspiring actor. But not good when said by an orthopedic surgeon holding your x-ray! It's jarring when your business partner says "We're going under while he's looking at the books. But it's very routine when said by a submarine captain speaking to the crew. "You're on fire" is nice to hear when you're playing an excellent round of golf. But not what you want to hear when you're grilling burgers. "A thumb on the scale" often mean

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

Junk Stamps For Junk Mail.

"Oh George, I wish you'd get things in perspective. . .!"

I don't care if you have a ticket - hop it.

"Ask Sadie Advice Hour," what's your problem?! Kanye West said he's running for president in 2020, and I don't know whether to weep or move to Canada. Canada Canada Canada! Everybody always wants to move to Canada whenever they think the USA has taken a turn for the worse! None of you lily-livered quitters could stand a single Canadian winter, let alone stare down a moose at six paces. You want Canada? You can't handle Canada! How tall is a moose?

"That's not what you told my screener you wanted to talk about."

"Stick what up?"

"I can’t chase you today … he’s in one of his moods."

"Before I give you this anonymous Valentine's card could you just sign this waiver confirming that you won't fall uncontrollably in love with me, or take out a sexual harassment suit."

"You mind if I smoke?"

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

'Your moon is on Saturn. Your sun is on Venus, and your hand is on my thigh!'

"If anyone's got a plan B, now would be a good time."

'I heard your licence was revoked.'

"Don't, son – once they cross over into meats, they're out of our jurisdiction."

"Now I know why those cruise tickets were so cheap!"

"Why am I always the bad guy?"

'Let me swear on my grandchildren that our business is 100% legit. We outsourced extortion to the IRS, and assassination to the Pentagon!'

Prisoner is treated to leg of lamb for dinner.

"I'm having trouble contacting your references. They're all in solitary confinement."

Ledge Rescue Service

"Of course you can have some respect sir, but we don't treat wounded pride!"

"Remember what happens in vegans stays in vegans."

Escaping the Firing Squad.

Gary Lineker Twitter Row with the BBC