Situation Humorists Pillows

'I had my tattoo removed!'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

"Not wearing deodorant is not what I meant by 'respect the local customs'"

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

It's good news when an agent says "This is a big break" to an aspiring actor. But not good when said by an orthopedic surgeon holding your x-ray! It's jarring when your business partner says "We're going under while he's looking at the books. But it's very routine when said by a submarine captain speaking to the crew. "You're on fire" is nice to hear when you're playing an excellent round of golf. But not what you want to hear when you're grilling burgers. "A thumb on the scale" often mean

"Ed Lowry: Worst hunter ever"

"This is a very nice thing you’re doing."

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

'Don't you hate people who blatantly use office parties to network?'

I don't care if you have a ticket - hop it.

"Online I said I was 'blond and curvy', I didn't say I was a woman!"

"That's not what you told my screener you wanted to talk about."

"I do hope you've got enough for a sample, Mr Furse."

"I didn't see anything! I swear!"

Come hell, or highwater, Eric remains confident that his call will come.

"Serious drinkers recommend hanging on to the maraschino."

"Before I give you this anonymous Valentine's card could you just sign this waiver confirming that you won't fall uncontrollably in love with me, or take out a sexual harassment suit."

'Can‘t you knock before coming in? I could have been doing God knows what...'

"You mind if I smoke?"

"I can’t chase you today … he’s in one of his moods."

"If anyone's got a plan B, now would be a good time."

"Why am I always the bad guy?"

Prisoner is treated to leg of lamb for dinner.

Woman gossiping on emergency phone

Ledge Rescue Service

"Greetings, earthling. We used a complex algorithm to make sure we appeared to humankind in a form you would respect and trust."

'Poor Danny - every sheep shearing season he got in trouble!'

Escaping the Firing Squad.

'Emergency - put me through to the yoga club immediately!'

"It's these new glasses dear! I thought it was you!"

"I haven't got time for a whole lot of paperwork. The wedding's tomorrow."

'Yes... Now I see - no pocket. So perhaps the glove is defective.'

'They all send their love except Mother who says break the other arm.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. I never expected us to last this long!"