Situation Humorists Pillows

'I had my tattoo removed!'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

"Not wearing deodorant is not what I meant by 'respect the local customs'"

"Ed Lowry: Worst hunter ever"

"This is a very nice thing you’re doing."

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

I don't care if you have a ticket - hop it.

"Online I said I was 'blond and curvy', I didn't say I was a woman!"

'Don't you hate people who blatantly use office parties to network?'

"That's not what you told my screener you wanted to talk about."

"I do hope you've got enough for a sample, Mr Furse."

"Before I give you this anonymous Valentine's card could you just sign this waiver confirming that you won't fall uncontrollably in love with me, or take out a sexual harassment suit."

"Serious drinkers recommend hanging on to the maraschino."

Come hell, or highwater, Eric remains confident that his call will come.

"I didn't see anything! I swear!"

"You mind if I smoke?"

'Can‘t you knock before coming in? I could have been doing God knows what...'

"I can’t chase you today … he’s in one of his moods."

"If anyone's got a plan B, now would be a good time."

"Why am I always the bad guy?"

Prisoner is treated to leg of lamb for dinner.

"Greetings, earthling. We used a complex algorithm to make sure we appeared to humankind in a form you would respect and trust."

Woman gossiping on emergency phone

Ledge Rescue Service

"I haven't got time for a whole lot of paperwork. The wedding's tomorrow."

"It's these new glasses dear! I thought it was you!"

'Emergency - put me through to the yoga club immediately!'

Escaping the Firing Squad.

'Poor Danny - every sheep shearing season he got in trouble!'

'Yes... Now I see - no pocket. So perhaps the glove is defective.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. I never expected us to last this long!"

'Please don't be someone I know,,,'

'of course it is. It's always for one of the kids.'