Sitcom Skeptic Gifts

"These days nothing says unfunny more than the sound of people laughing."

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

"Well did he?"

'It was a very strange divorce — the judge got custody of my wife.'

Polterguest: "When is your brother going to leave? He's driving me crazy!"

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

"Being married to her was the most miserable experience of my life, but I was able to develop a sitcom out of it."

"And they lived happily ever-after? Well, maybe you should find out who their financial advisor is."

"You wanted to miss the Matisse show."

'That's not funny, Fred.'

'It's bad enough I get overrules at home... why here also, Sharon?'

Bad Influence of TV

"Could you speed it up a little, the 'Seinfeld' marathon starts in five minutes."

"These are PC to view, providing we laugh in an ironic and non-committal way - belly laughing constitutes a hate crime."

"No, Barbara, this wouldn't make a great 'Seinfeld' episode!"

Life is better with a laugh track and graphics.

Life on Earth - Why bother?

"When I die, I want to come back at anything except a book of short stories."

"Please, no more movies about feelings."

'Last night Gary put me in an impossible position.'

"The news you are about to see is fictitious and is shown merely for its sensational content."

Down with canned laughter.

"Congratulations! It's a sitcom!"

'Think how funny this would all be on a TV sitcom.'

"I tried to rob a bank and failed! I tried to steal an old ladies bag and failed! So why not use as my defense, the old saying, 'You can't blame a person for trying'?"