Sit-through Expert Gifts

Anyone else need a toilet break?

"Haven't you wondered why I live about 50 years longer thank you?"

"Stick with me baby, and you'll eat slop every day."

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

Extra Long-jump

"The Defendant must stop trying to side-step every question the prosecution asks!"

To prevent geese from flying toward its planes, Jupiter Airlines made some key design changes,

'Something needs to be done about the surgery room lights.'

"Tip my boy."

Results of the Tropical Fish Sex Survey

Great script, great cinematography, great everything. But the whole 3D thing is lost on me.

Nutty Assistants

"After practicing dermatology every day, maybe you should try branching out from those warts-and-all biographies."

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

"What qualifies you to be a ballistics expert?"

"I failed driver's ed....Apparently there's like this rule about rear-ending a police car!"

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. "Fed up in Flint," you're on. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?! House of Java.net Cybercafe. I bought a dirt-cheap house in Flint, hoping to rent it out. I had it renovated, and then the day before our open-house, someone broke in and stole all our plumbing. So what?! In my day, nobody had plumbing! We did our business in a ditch down by the river and we were glad about it! List it as "vintage Americana" and quit yer complainin'! But they took the roof, too. In my day, a roof

"Today we practiced counting to five, and the teacher practiced counting to ten."

Ducks crossing the Red Sea.

"I cross therefore I am."

This place is crawling with backstabbers, but they don't worry me.

'Six months ought to be enough sleep for anyone.'

"I pledge allegiance to the flag...oh sorry, to honour and obey...on no that's not it..I name this ship.."

"Welcome to the Department of Delayed Gratification. Take a number."

Now do you see the point of regular electrical checks?

"Will you PLEEEEASE stop grinding your teeth!"

"Good. . . evening. . . welcome . . . to . . . the. . . slow. . . cooker. . ."

'You've stayed on hold for 20 minutes? Oh, dear! You'd better make an appointment with Dr. Willems to work on your self-esteem.'

"You father's a nap just waiting to happen."

Thank you for not smacking

"As a forensic psychologist, it's my opinion that the defendant is not a risk to the public. Any more passive-aggressive questions?"

Public Intellectual/Private Intellectual

"I'm still waiting for my coffee. Has Juan Valdez left South America yet?"

"I don't know - the EPA was here when I left last night."