Expert Witness Gifts

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

"I pledge allegiance to the flag...oh sorry, to honour and obey...on no that's not it..I name this ship.."

"What qualifies you to be a ballistics expert?"

"As a forensic psychologist, it's my opinion that the defendant is not a risk to the public. Any more passive-aggressive questions?"

The Anti-Agent

Brian wanted to call the presentation "Synergy". Paula wanted to call it "Cooperation". They could never agree.

Giant pandas doing surveillance in a zoo.

'Normally, I hate a rush to judgement - but I'm doing this case pro bono.'

Pull the udder one

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

CCTV in church.

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

'If someone sent an email and the National Security Agency did not spy on it, would it still be an email?'

'Waiter, there's a drone in my soup.'

Tonight: Al Hari Kish, leading yoga expert, speaks on 'this topsy-turvy world'

"O.K., I admit it, we're lost, but the important thing is to remain focussed on whose fault it is."

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

"My conclusion that he lied was based on his body language, his polygraph results, and the complete implausibility of his story."

To prevent geese from flying toward its planes, Jupiter Airlines made some key design changes,

'I'm going to ask you one more time; who left a hot mug on this table?'

"Or perhaps we could just have them wear these 'M-for-Muslim' patches...."

No, you were supposed to check the doorbell camera before lowering the drawbridge.

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'

Optician: 'I can't seem to switch off.'

'Slow down. . . okay. . . 'Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?''

"Thank you all for attending this first conference of the surveillance camera recording industry."

"I'd like to be the first to welcome you to our company. But, I've decided not to hire you."

Bird watching in Bolivia

My husband is a world expert, but unfortunately it's only on maganese bronze.

Ophiologist

"The truth, the whole truth and a touch of double entendre to keep everybody on their toes."

Tonight's Debate. Nature versus Nurture. You believe in heredity over environment? Yep --- I was just born that way.

"Truth, whole truth, nothing but the truth? I'm not ready for that much of a commitment."

The emergence of a leader.

"Yes, that's him there. The fellow making the finger-across-the-throat gesture."