Single Parent Humor Appreciator Pillows

'You never knew your father -- he once frightened a lady in spike heels.'

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

"What do you think is a good step goal for someone who's just started walking?"

Mom dwarves.

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"How many times do I have to beep you?"

"If we're lucky, she'll get a single wear out of this."

'His vocabulary is growing by leaps and soap bubbles.'

'It's a book, Sweetie - it doesn't have any ram!'

"I have to wear a bike helmet all the time after Mommie heard cars kill more pedestrians than cyclists!"

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

"Open up for the choo-choo train!"

'What are you in for?'

'Dad, can you teach me to swim?' 'Well, I'm not much of a swimmer, but I can teach you to tread water. I do that every day at work.'

A Mom's Purse

"Bah! in my day bands knew how to play their computers properly. Like Kraftwerk"

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

"Sorry, Boss, I thought you wanted me to make it look like an accident."

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

'Actually both my kids are twins...'

Please Wait Here To Be Scolded

"I'd like a note excusing me from my wife's childbirth!"

'This might be a good time to discuss a few grievances.'

"But mom, I can't clean my room now. I just won the Kids Bedroom Seal of Approval!"

"The kids have stopped saying 'are we there yet?'"

"Wow, yours is already climbing your beard!"

Wild Child