Showperson Gifts

'So let this be a lesson to you Courtney, 'there's no people like showpeople!''

"Yoo-hoo. Fifteen minutes of fame is about to start."

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

Toenail clipping missile.

"Hey, Bob. Things haven't been quite the same since Richard Attenborough arrived here, have they?"

Hollywood producer.

"Wow, your mane looks fantastic! New conditioner?"

'I'm a star!'

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'Man it's a tough crowd tonight!'

Vaudeville producers audition a singing Canada goose.

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"Fashion Week"

'Call you back - I'm with my agent.'

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

"Er. . . anything else?"

Bette Midler

TV stage door

TV Situations vacant.

'I don't mind playing dead. But what I would really like to do is direct.'

'Excellent. But try it again and this time start your sway at the beginning of the fourth bar, O.K.?'

"Step right up, lady and gents, and scoop yourself a heaping helping of the best spicy meat and bean stew this side of the mighty Mississippi!"

No Talent Agency

"Congratulations on your entertaining presentation skills Smith, and the way they hide your dismal sales figures!"

"I've seen your latest project and I must say, it really stinks. I mean, it is utterly putrid. It totally reeks."

Stage producer.

TV Producers Workshop. The first goal of a series to avoid cancellation long enough to issue a DVD set. Get boxed before you get canned!

A-Hem! I'm still singing here!

"It also doubles as a karaoke machine."

Jerry's dancing dogs

'We've decided to babysit for you, while you go out to a late-night show.'

'It's a new reality show about a reality show producer...'

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'