The Stage Showman Gifts

'You doubtless remember my speech last year...'

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

Pirate

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Billy, can you deliver your show 'n tell this time without the fog machine?

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

'Wow, Jimmy, that's pretty good!'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Theatre Crowd

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

Karataoke

Freddie Mercury

"Yoo-hoo. Fifteen minutes of fame is about to start."

Tina Turner

"For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, a fake knife, and a mirrored box with a secret compartment."

Ralph Rackstraw HMS Pinafore

Jeff Beck.

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

Magic Tricks

Midsummer Night's Dream

Music Hall Dancers

Robbie Williams

"No need for stage fright, it's just a documentary crew: be yourself..."

"While you're at it Houdini, try and find the last ten years of my life in there."

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

'And the Dance Scholarship goes to...'

"Is Madonna amazing or what? She sings, dances, and acts, and now it turns out she's a writer, too."

'I'm sure I could lie on my back waving my feet in the air if I could play the saxophone.'

'Man it's a tough crowd tonight!'

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."