The Stage Showman T-Shirts

'You doubtless remember my speech last year...'

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

Pirate

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

Billy, can you deliver your show 'n tell this time without the fog machine?

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

'Wow, Jimmy, that's pretty good!'

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

Theatre Crowd

"Yoo-hoo. Fifteen minutes of fame is about to start."

"For my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, a fake knife, and a mirrored box with a secret compartment."

Tina Turner

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

Ralph Rackstraw HMS Pinafore

Magic Tricks

Midsummer Night's Dream

Music Hall Dancers

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

"While you're at it Houdini, try and find the last ten years of my life in there."

'Man it's a tough crowd tonight!'

'Is there a psychiatrist in the house - the cast is very depressed over opening night reviews!'

"No need for stage fright, it's just a documentary crew: be yourself..."

"Is Madonna amazing or what? She sings, dances, and acts, and now it turns out she's a writer, too."

'And the Dance Scholarship goes to...'

'I'm sure I could lie on my back waving my feet in the air if I could play the saxophone.'

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."