Showbusiness Gifts

"Yoo-hoo. Fifteen minutes of fame is about to start."

Job Centre - 'I'm afraid the only jobs we have available are as celebrities.'

'So let this be a lesson to you Courtney, 'there's no people like showpeople!''

'Singing and dancing no problem...but I don't do nude scenes.'

Celebrity Relate - 'Splitting up would be excellent for your careers!'

"You're just starstruck, George."

Succession 2

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"Hey, Bob. Things haven't been quite the same since Richard Attenborough arrived here, have they?"

Toenail clipping missile.

"While you're at it Houdini, try and find the last ten years of my life in there."

Hollywood producer.

'I'm a star!'

'Man it's a tough crowd tonight!'

"Wow, your mane looks fantastic! New conditioner?"

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"Er. . . anything else?"

'Call you back - I'm with my agent.'

Vaudeville producers audition a singing Canada goose.

"Fashion Week"

Bette Midler

"Sorry, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."

TV stage door

Happy Birthday Magicians of America

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

Boarway Show

'I don't mind playing dead. But what I would really like to do is direct.'

"In this business the ball takes funny bounces. I got you a recording contract."

No Talent Agency

"I've seen your latest project and I must say, it really stinks. I mean, it is utterly putrid. It totally reeks."

TV Producers Workshop. The first goal of a series to avoid cancellation long enough to issue a DVD set. Get boxed before you get canned!

"When the boss says jump, I say how high."