Show Business Gifts

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to call to the stand an unequaled expert witness of exceptional excellence. Put your hands together. Give it up..."

'Look, Jake, I like you, but I can't be your best friend AND your agent.'

'American, idle.'

'It's a new reality show about a reality show producer...'

'That's enough about me, now let's concentrate on you. What did you think of my performance?'

"You have no experience, skills or talent. I'm afraif we can only place you on a reality TV show, which will lead to wealth and fame."

Robin Williams

'I don't mind playing dead. But what I would really like to do is direct.'

New Government Target - To make everyone a celebrity by 2010.

'Being caught sober in your car is very bad for your career.'

"Leave my private parts alone, and I'll let you exploit me as a talking dog."

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"Couldn't be busier. My agent is suing my manager, my manager is suing my lawyer, I'm suing my agent and my lawyer is suing me."

J2 productions - a harassment-free company

'You're on Keith. Break a Fin!'

Magic Trick

"... And of course, because he's only a 'D-list celebrity' you'll get him much cheaper."

On-screen, she was the idol of millions. Off-screen, she was just a bitch.

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

"Really? I'll have you know I grew up in a circus and used to jump through flaming hoops: That is hardly scary..."

"Philosopical argument needs an elephant in the room. Can you handle it, sweetie?"

No Talent Agency

"And being her agent does pay pretty well. So, what night is wet-t-shirt night anyhow...?"

'I opted for fame instead of riches and ended up with indifference.'

'I told you Ko-ko that you don't have to even think of retirement - the phone stopped ringing for you years ago!'

Eva Mendes

Morgan Freeman

"Hey, Bob. Things haven't been quite the same since Richard Attenborough arrived here, have they?"

'There's something so sad about this Anna Nicole Stuff...You know she just needed the attention that only a mother could give.'

'And the award for 'most sensational celebrity divorce' goes to...'

'I don't think I can face coming into the office today . . . Jordan has split up with Alex Reid. . . It's like Tom and Nicole all over again... I've been in floods of tears since I woke up.'

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

Newspaper with a 'Paris Hilton' section.

'Do you swear to be faithless and hump everything with a pulse while she's not looking as long as you both need re-hab?'

'He's ever so good with children.'