Show Business Gifts

'Look, Jake, I like you, but I can't be your best friend AND your agent.'

'American, idle.'

'It's a new reality show about a reality show producer...'

'That's enough about me, now let's concentrate on you. What did you think of my performance?'

"You have no experience, skills or talent. I'm afraif we can only place you on a reality TV show, which will lead to wealth and fame."

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

'Being caught sober in your car is very bad for your career.'

"Couldn't be busier. My agent is suing my manager, my manager is suing my lawyer, I'm suing my agent and my lawyer is suing me."

J2 productions - a harassment-free company

New Government Target - To make everyone a celebrity by 2010.

'You're on Keith. Break a Fin!'

'I don't mind playing dead. But what I would really like to do is direct.'

"Leave my private parts alone, and I'll let you exploit me as a talking dog."

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

On-screen, she was the idol of millions. Off-screen, she was just a bitch.

Magic Trick

'I told you Ko-ko that you don't have to even think of retirement - the phone stopped ringing for you years ago!'

"Really? I'll have you know I grew up in a circus and used to jump through flaming hoops: That is hardly scary..."

'I opted for fame instead of riches and ended up with indifference.'

"And being her agent does pay pretty well. So, what night is wet-t-shirt night anyhow...?"

'There's something so sad about this Anna Nicole Stuff...You know she just needed the attention that only a mother could give.'

'And the award for 'most sensational celebrity divorce' goes to...'

'I don't think I can face coming into the office today . . . Jordan has split up with Alex Reid. . . It's like Tom and Nicole all over again... I've been in floods of tears since I woke up.'

Newspaper with a 'Paris Hilton' section.

'Do you swear to be faithless and hump everything with a pulse while she's not looking as long as you both need re-hab?'

'He's ever so good with children.'

"Er. . . anything else?"

"No need to sign a contract with J. Walters Agency. We take our branding seriously."

Crossing the Thin Line into Show Business

The Magicians' Union...

"Actually Hank, you don't really need stage presence in this job."

No Talent Agency

"... And of course, because he's only a 'D-list celebrity' you'll get him much cheaper."

"Philosopical argument needs an elephant in the room. Can you handle it, sweetie?"

"Check this out! Abracadabra!"