Showjumping Gifts

Jockey trying to push a horse over a jump.

Harvey Smith.

Trojan Hurdler.

Woman crying with happiness.

"Yoo-hoo. Fifteen minutes of fame is about to start."

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"Hey, Bob. Things haven't been quite the same since Richard Attenborough arrived here, have they?"

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'I'm a star!'

Hollywood producer.

'Man it's a tough crowd tonight!'

Toenail clipping missile.

The Horse Jump - One girl makes it over, the other is cover in leaves.

Bette Midler

TV stage door

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"Fashion Week"

Vaudeville producers audition a singing Canada goose.

"Er. . . anything else?"

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

Happy Birthday Magicians of America

'Call you back - I'm with my agent.'

TV Situations vacant.

High Jump

'I don't mind playing dead. But what I would really like to do is direct.'

Don't put your daughter on the stage Mrs Worthington.

TV Producers Workshop. The first goal of a series to avoid cancellation long enough to issue a DVD set. Get boxed before you get canned!

Stage producer.

"I've seen your latest project and I must say, it really stinks. I mean, it is utterly putrid. It totally reeks."

No Talent Agency

'We've decided to babysit for you, while you go out to a late-night show.'

'Excellent. But try it again and this time start your sway at the beginning of the fourth bar, O.K.?'

'Your performance review is next Tuesday. You're allowed to bring a guitar and up to three backup singers.'