Showbiz Insider Gifts

'We had to donwsize.'

"Creative, imaginative, and fierce-these are just a few of the words that I'm reading off the teleprompter."

Hollywood - Exit Stage Left.

"The safest way back into the charts is a dramatic death after a party with girls, booze, and drugs!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been wonderful, you've been the audience - goodnight!"

"You played yourself in your last picture. Everyone found it unconvincing."

"I don't see why I have to jump too!"

Actors' Union: "Boy, I could really do without all this drama."

"Your honor, in lieu of jail time, my client is willing to appear on 'I'm a celebrity - get me out of here!'"

Celebrity Relate - 'Splitting up would be excellent for your careers!'

We learnt the art on Top of the Pops.

'Oh yes - The sriaght-to-video fellow.'

The Incredible Telly Presenter's Journey.

Vaudeville Performers Union. How'd it go? Lousy. We were outvoted by the ventriloquists again!

"There's not a large audience for your type of ethnic humor. After all, how many Peruvian-Greeks are there?"

"In terms of career guidance, access to A-list talent, and studio relationships, you couldn't sign with a better rehab clinic."

"Yeah, he's in rehab, but for the right role I can spring him."

"Don't we thing Arlene would make a perfect Medea?"

Showbiz Awards

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"Here's the deal, boys. We need to see a little more bickering. We're doing a Reality Show."

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

Enterpe, Terpsichore, Calliope, and Bernie, their agent.

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

Music Hall Dancers

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"Is it 'Measure once, cut twice?' Or 'Cut once, then measure?' Or maybe it's..."

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

Toenail clipping missile.

'I'm a star!'

"Once again, the epicenter seems to be Christian Slater."

Lord of the Rings IV.