Showbiz Savvy Gifts

"Mostly Mozart, nothing. It's all Mozart or no Mozart."

"And now I have a few trick questions."

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

Showbiz Awards

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Online Dating

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

Super Bowl Halftime Show Barbra Streisand reads from her memoir.

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"We both see Ben as this summer's breakout child."

'Miss Finch, find out what she does over there and offer her twice as much to do it over here.'

Victorian Selfie

"#BeCurious"

"Ugh—someone in the group chat must have seen a squirrel."

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

'It's not what you think. It's not about our liberation.'

"So you're interested in medicine, public relations, business, contract negotiations and insurance law? Which one will you study in school?"

Music Hall Dancers

"We do have on item the internet hasn't already beaten into the ground, ad nauseam."

'I'm not a magician, but I do keep live doves in my pants.'

Toenail clipping missile.

The 24-Hour Celebrities Doing Something Stupid Channel.

"Is it 'Measure once, cut twice?' Or 'Cut once, then measure?' Or maybe it's..."

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."

Parents start infant on the way to fame.

"I already have the perfect hashtag!"

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

"Face it - in this town, either you're a star or you're just another brown dwarf."

Animal Actors

Bette Midler

If Watergate Happened Now the Press Would Be Too Busy Reporting on Tweets

'Call you back - I'm with my agent.'

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"