Shipmate Gifts

"It's a 'Dear Long John' letter."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

Speed Dating for Turtles

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

Zoology Class. Test Today. What did you get for the question about Fuzzy Wuzzy?

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

"I'm going to talk about the summer before last, it was much more fun."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

Biofelineism

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

Yearbook

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

'May I be excused? I just checked my college investment portfolio online, and I feel sick.'

"I heard they mate for life."

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

"Excuse me, Professor. I think I might have spotted a flaw in your theory!"

Big Bang Theory.

I was trying to day trade my way through business school, but then the stock market tanked.

'Are we broke yet?'

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

'Isn't he supposed to sit on your shoulder Captain?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up