Shipmate Pillows

"It's a 'Dear Long John' letter."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'm going to talk about the summer before last, it was much more fun."

Biofelineism

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

'I got 100 in school today. 50 in history and 50 in maths.'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

Yearbook

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

'May I be excused? I just checked my college investment portfolio online, and I feel sick.'

"I heard they mate for life."

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

'Isn't he supposed to sit on your shoulder Captain?'

'Are we broke yet?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"Excuse me, Professor. I think I might have spotted a flaw in your theory!"

I was trying to day trade my way through business school, but then the stock market tanked.

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."