Housemates Gifts

"Thanks so much for letting me crash here, I really appreciate how unassertive you are."

"Okay, who finished the brains and left the empty container?!"

"Hi, it's us, Sue and Dave, from the Tenerife in '4. You said we were welcome to come and stay anytime."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

Biofelineism

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'Are we broke yet?'

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'