Roommate Life Gifts

"I'm sure someone will find us endearing."

"Ooooh, she's tall! Good! Come in! I'll put away the flame thrower."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

Speed Dating for Turtles

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"Yo, Eunice – don’t leave me hangin’."

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

Biofelineism

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'Are we broke yet?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

"Much ado list"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'