Living With Roommates Gifts

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

Magicians make terrible roommates. 'Did you clean or just make everything disappear?' 'Where's my keys?!' 'You know I have an early class!'

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

Speed Dating for Turtles

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

Biofelineism

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

'Who gets the decaf?'

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Are we broke yet?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

"Much ado list"

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"