Housemate Separation Gifts

'I think you should move out, Kevin.. I'm Masterpiece Theatre and you're Charlie Chan at the Circus!'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'Of course I hired Andrew. He's the best divorce lawyer around! Unfortunately, he's also the rat I want to get divorced from...'

Can we talk about our attorney-client relationship?

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

So...this is the roommate. Awkward...

Separations.

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

"Oddly enough I'm flattered my wife's attorney thinks I'm so successful."

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

"My wife's lawyer doesn't understand me."

"I'll bet there's a story there."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

"I want out, Laura."

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

"While we've got the chance, Dad, we'd like to thank you for these little glimpses of you we've had through the years!"

Heavy-duty, super-capacity, two speeds, 10 cycles. All of them vicious.

"It's my attorney. Have you seen my list of things about you that drive me crazy?"

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"I'm declawed, but with this headset, I can at least virtually scratch up the furniture."