Housemate Separation Gifts

'I think you should move out, Kevin.. I'm Masterpiece Theatre and you're Charlie Chan at the Circus!'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"Y'know, I don't know what I'd do without her, but I'd sure like to find out."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

He leaves, but soon realizes his roots run too deep.

'Of course I hired Andrew. He's the best divorce lawyer around! Unfortunately, he's also the rat I want to get divorced from...'

Can we talk about our attorney-client relationship?

"Poop outside and he saves it in a bag. Crap on the carpet and he loses his mind."

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

"Oddly enough I'm flattered my wife's attorney thinks I'm so successful."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

"My wife's lawyer doesn't understand me."

"I'm leaving you, Steven....It's all there in my text message."

Separations.

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"I'll bet there's a story there."

So...this is the roommate. Awkward...

"I want out, Laura."

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

Heavy-duty, super-capacity, two speeds, 10 cycles. All of them vicious.

"While we've got the chance, Dad, we'd like to thank you for these little glimpses of you we've had through the years!"

"It's my attorney. Have you seen my list of things about you that drive me crazy?"

'The wife says if I don't give up snooker, she's leaving me. . .I'm going to miss her.'

"I'm declawed, but with this headset, I can at least virtually scratch up the furniture."