New Roommate Gifts

"Tell us about yourself, Pete."

So...this is the roommate. Awkward...

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

Biofelineism

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

'Who gets the decaf?'

'Are we broke yet?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

I hate monday mornings.

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

"Much ado list"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'