New Roommate Gifts

Please roll over and breathe the other way.

"Tell us about yourself, Pete."

So...this is the roommate. Awkward...

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

Speed Dating for Turtles

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

Biofelineism

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Are we broke yet?'

"Political Science... that's in the Department of Performing Arts."

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

'Who gets the decaf?'

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

I hate monday mornings.