Sheriff Gifts

"He's long gone, sheriff - you'll never catch him."

"So if you've all signed and turned in your waivers - let's ride!"

"Bank's closed today, folks. It's Yom Kippur."

"Next time you show up for a duel at high noon, remember to factor in Daylight Saving Time. I been standing here like an idiot for an hour."

"You're kidding! I thought it was one-bandolier Friday."

'I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth ... almost.'

Mean Sheriff.

'Zeke, round up a posse and don't forget ethnic and gender diversity.'

Marshal, when you said you were going to clean up this town, we thought you meant...'

"Your barn door is open."

'I'm not packing - This is my BlackBerry.'

'Well, Bart, normally I'd hold you over for trial and let the judge hang you, but this might be a crowdsourcing situation.'

"In the Wild Wild West, we say, if it isn't yours, DON'T TAKE IT..."

"Damn it Zeke, pay attention. I said go round up a posse!"

Ned Buntz, U.S. Marshall and Frontier Optometrist

Lucky lynching victim.

'When you say I have 24 hours to get out of town, does that include the grace period?'

'This chair ain't big enough for the two of us...'

'I said 'Round up a posse'!'

"There ain't enough room in this here town for two arthritics, stranger..."

Old west justice...New west justice.

Sheriff.

'Suddenly, I feel quite vulnerable.'

'No doubt about it Captain. See these markings? This arrow belongs to Robin Hood!'

'I don't care what planet he's from, Ma'am, he's gotta be in a car seat.'

'Stay out of this Piano Man, I got no beef with you. But you - I don't like yer tone one bit.'

'A speeding ticket? What in tarnation is a speeding ticket?'

It's amazing how people slow down when you point a hair dryer at them.

"I think you need to enroll yourself in a good two-step program."

'Fifty soldiers...marching...maybe two miles away.'

City Ordinance: All buns must be left with Sheriffs office.

Wild Wild Salmon

Posse Management Seminar

"But he's always been nice to us."

Early Profiling