Sheriff Pillows

"He's long gone, sheriff - you'll never catch him."

"So if you've all signed and turned in your waivers - let's ride!"

"Bank's closed today, folks. It's Yom Kippur."

"Next time you show up for a duel at high noon, remember to factor in Daylight Saving Time. I been standing here like an idiot for an hour."

"You're kidding! I thought it was one-bandolier Friday."

"Your barn door is open."

Marshal, when you said you were going to clean up this town, we thought you meant...'

'I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth ... almost.'

Mean Sheriff.

'Zeke, round up a posse and don't forget ethnic and gender diversity.'

"Damn it Zeke, pay attention. I said go round up a posse!"

"I think you need to enroll yourself in a good two-step program."

It's amazing how people slow down when you point a hair dryer at them.

City Ordinance: All buns must be left with Sheriffs office.

Ned Buntz, U.S. Marshall and Frontier Optometrist

'I said 'Round up a posse'!'

'This chair ain't big enough for the two of us...'

Lucky lynching victim.

'I don't care what planet he's from, Ma'am, he's gotta be in a car seat.'

'Well, Bart, normally I'd hold you over for trial and let the judge hang you, but this might be a crowdsourcing situation.'

'Fifty soldiers...marching...maybe two miles away.'

"In the Wild Wild West, we say, if it isn't yours, DON'T TAKE IT..."

'A speeding ticket? What in tarnation is a speeding ticket?'

'Stay out of this Piano Man, I got no beef with you. But you - I don't like yer tone one bit.'

Sheriff.

'When you say I have 24 hours to get out of town, does that include the grace period?'

'No doubt about it Captain. See these markings? This arrow belongs to Robin Hood!'

'Suddenly, I feel quite vulnerable.'

Old west justice...New west justice.

"The last thing he said was he was going out to the mail box to wait for his next Trump relief check...!"

"Pants in or out?"

"Oh, sorry. I seem to have bellied up to the wrong bar."

"Well, I'll be danged-he's got accordion boots."

Early Profiling

"But he's always been nice to us."