Shar-pei Comedy Gifts

Shar-Pei sees wrinkle cream.

'No! No more harps! I can't take it anymore.'

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

If you're so good at picking winning stocks, why do you still have to work?

Scene on the English coast.

'I suppose if we had some money we could buy sand from each other.'

"What say we shake things up a bit, and go in and ask for a couple of home-pregnancy test kits."

During the Holiday season, Mr. Arthur Jeffries takes a little time to think of those who are less fortunate.

"Don't let old age get you down. It's too difficult to get up again."

"I like a diet rich in surfers."

"I'm a vegan. I don't know what made me order a cheeseburger. Maybe I've got the flesh eating disease."

Discus accidents.

The Puck Stops Here.

Life begins at 60

"Wow, 27, not bad! Me, I've ruined 53 surfing competitions..."

Street person selling bricks from wall he's leaning on.

'Now, Perkins, hit my ball straight down the fairway for about 300 yards.'

'How did you guess? Of course it's rented!'

"Those speedbumps are there for a reason, Mrs. Gunderson."

Taxes

'Aren't you supposed to drop the clam on the rock?'

"It was meant as a compliment. In my eyes, you're a real pig."

Woman windsurfer wearing a sombrero.

Fisherman to friend about to be devoured by shark: 'Bill, are you familiar with the health benefits of shark cartilage?'

Why can't you just buy some extra memory like everybody else?

'The double codpiece and chips is very popular with the Blackpool crowd, your highness.'

"OY! You trying to nick my chips?"

How very Hampstead!

'The gannets are worse than the gulls!'

'Are you sure you want the party sub? I mean are you sure? Are you buying it for someone else or something???'

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed..."

Wait a second - doesn't he work for the company next door?

'Hey baby, I'll bet you're wondering who's convertible that is outside.'

'Just think, I used to pay a spa $30 a month to hang me upside down in gravity inversion boots.'