Settlement Winner Gifts

"When I got divorced, I went through all the stages of grieving - sadness, anger, denial and punching the air with delight when the settlement cheque came through!"

Wal-Mart Ruling

India Decriminalizes Homosexuality

"Congratulations! You've won the bid."

"Oh, he claims I bit his head off, did he? And I suppose you BELIEVED him?"

Elf of the Month

Playing With Peace

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

'Your fee is causing us more mental anguish than the accident.'

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

Arafat eats peace dove: 'BURP!'

'This next song is for my ex-wife, because she owns it and collects all the royalties.'

After Mr and Mrs Tooth and Nail you've got the Hammer and Tongs.

'My investment objective is to keep up with my neighbors, the Joneses, who just won the lottery.'

"Let's remain open to closing as we are close to the opening."

attorney at law

Chess boxing

Solicitor tells divorcing couple: 'You must see that 'I'll have the bricks and she can have the mortar' is not very helpful,'

'To be fair, I didn't say I was good, I said I was expensive.'

Lawyer: 'She got the house, he got the money, and somehow, I ended up with the kid.'

'He's gone. Call the auctioneer.'

'Yeah, I misplaced my winning Lottery ticket. I'm always losing things. I've lost my Oscar, my Nobel Peace Prize, my chunk of moon rock, my collection of four leaf clover's...'

IRA Truce Out Of The Terrorism Cloud.

"I have a beef with you!"

'It's all settled. You get the house and car. You get the kids. And you get custody of the canary.'

"It doesn't matter if anyone heard you fall, I am sure we can get you a large cash settlement."

'Alright, alright - you win this row. Let's make it best out of three.'

"I finally got them to agree, in principle, to disagree."

Congratulations for giving up smoking

'I'm having a hard-time unwinding during the prenup process.'

"I want to be put on lifestyle support."

Too-Humble Pie.

Problems in the peace talks between Israel and Palestine.

Divorce Court: High Five Area.

"Apparently, they're 'old money'. He's one of the very first National lottery winners."