Senior Milestone Gifts

"I said remember those extra years we added to our lives by good clean livin'?"

"Sign my yearbook?"

'I'm not happy with his latest school photo.'

'I try not to think big too often or I get terrible headaches.'

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

Church Basement Foodie

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

Tenacity trumps everything!

'Oh, relax - you're doing great for your age...but I am a little concerned about out computer's old operating system.'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

". . . and now it's his memory. Three times on Saturday he asked me what day it was. Or did I already tell you that earlier?"

Space for Lease.

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

Ogden Nash: 'Middle age is when you've met so many people, that every new person reminds you of someone else.'

"The cape comes off too."

"It makes you look old."

"Put it under your pillow, and maybe you'll get a visit from the hair fairy."

"Day 19,918: Once again, Gary cannot believe he's still alive."

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

Medication for the elderly

'They want your underwear.'

'When 900 years you reach, retire, you will not.'

'Have you ever noticed that as you get older, your thin things get thicker and your thick things get thicker?'

'Take this drug...you'll be ten years younger.'

"He's dead- but that's normal for his age."

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

Who's Dead

'They're young hares, so it's OK for them to be a bit crazy in March, but thankfully, we've grown out of that!'

"Ha! Now no one can call me 'old'! I just overtook a sports car!"

"You're not goin' anywhere, Roy. You buried your own nuts again."

You're only young once but apparently there's no limit on childish. (Published originally on January 15, 2008.)

"This birthday qualified him to be tapped as a fossil fuel reserve."

Women

"You don't have OCD or ADD. You have OLD."

Two years ago, during a special episode of the Ask Sadie show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Here is an actual reader letter: Dear Sadie, My son just taught me how to use an iPad, so I am writing to tell you that doing so makes me feel young again. You might want to try it. - Nathaniel from Ontario. Thank you for helping me feel young! I may not be as spry as I was back in the old days ... but at least I've never taken two whol