Self-taught Enthusiast Pillows

'So far he's self-taught but we thought it time to engage a regular teacher.'

"Tonight! Author book signing." "Develop your inner raging bitch."

"Teach yourself what you don't know you don't know."

"Let me slip into something a little more thoughtful."

A man sprays his bald head with "Spray Hair" to make it seem as thought he has hair.

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

What else is there to wish for?

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

'Your classroom management techniques work in practice but not in theory. That worries me.'

Hanging off every word...

Super Student

"The doctor will be with you two in a second. As for you, I'd recommend a motivational speaker."

A Preschool of Fish

"I won it for being the most noncompetitive in preschool."

'Yes, grammar rules do evolve over time, but making up your own to 'stay ahead of the curve' won't work in this English class!'

How to win friends and Influenza People.

"My pets found out they were adopted."

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

'You must heal yourself.'

"You said mindfulness could help us do well on the test, so I filled it up with as much as I could last night."

Self Help / Elf Help.

"Commandments aren't really selling these days. However, we're willing to consider self-help tips or personal improvement ideas."

Kindergarten. Today; Simon Says. I don't know who this "Simon Says" is, but he could make a killing in product endorsements!

'School of hard knocks.'

"It all started when I read somewhere that happiness is an inside job. Naturally, I assumed some breaking and entering was involved."

'At first it's just kindergarten, but then mission creep takes over and you're in college.'

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

Learn to play the violin in one weekend - 'This isn't working! It's Saturday evening already and I've only got as far as holding it properly...'

'We loved this book. Twenty nine experts tell you how to think independently.'

Becoming The Good Boy They Say You Are

"I'm a glass-half-empty and I'm leaking."

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

"Fifty years in academia, studying, researching, writing and teaching. And what do they call me? ‘The Human AI’."

"I feel like there's a chick in me trying to escape."