Self-service Dining Pillows

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

"You do like octopus?"

Domestic Goddess.

"Rump roast?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.' (at restaurant with three kids)

"How would you like your steak sir—really well done or raw? We've got a new chef."

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"To keep prices down, we require you to cook your own food, wait in yourselves and wash your dishes."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

'We've run out of Parmesan cheese.' Food in pasta.

'I asked for a rare steak and you certainly don't see many as BAD as this!'

DIY Butchers

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

'We don't bring you anything. That's the surprise part.'

"Take your time. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."

'You wouldn't believe how hard it is for me to unwind after work.'

'What if someone says 'everything is not alright'?'

Clown applying mustard to balloon hotdog.

"If you liked tonight's meal, you might enjoy 'Making The Meal,' a documentary with outtakes and commentary when the cook ran out of eggs because someone put an empty carton back in the refrigerator..."

"Whatever diet they're on, tell them what they ordered is PERFECT for them."

'Do you have eczema?' 'No, only what's on the menu.'

Self Service Island

''Catch of the day' is anyone who tries to leave without paying.'

Husband dismayed to get cold mutton for dinner again. Wife comments that someone must be economical on the housekeeping money she is given.

"So, our holiday was cancelled but at least our tastebuds can still go to Italy."

'I apologize for repeatedly asking if everything is okay, but displaying customer concern is part of our mission statement.'