Self-service Dining Pillows

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

Domestic Goddess.

"You do like octopus?"

"Rump roast?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.' (at restaurant with three kids)

"How would you like your steak sir—really well done or raw? We've got a new chef."

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

'We've run out of Parmesan cheese.' Food in pasta.

"To keep prices down, we require you to cook your own food, wait in yourselves and wash your dishes."

"Where's my order!? This service is terrible! That stuff will be cold by the time it gets here!! What's the hold-up!?!"

'I asked for a rare steak and you certainly don't see many as BAD as this!'

Clown applying mustard to balloon hotdog.

'What if someone says 'everything is not alright'?'

"If you liked tonight's meal, you might enjoy 'Making The Meal,' a documentary with outtakes and commentary when the cook ran out of eggs because someone put an empty carton back in the refrigerator..."

'You wouldn't believe how hard it is for me to unwind after work.'

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

'We don't bring you anything. That's the surprise part.'

"Whatever diet they're on, tell them what they ordered is PERFECT for them."

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

"Take your time. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

DIY Butchers

'Do you have eczema?' 'No, only what's on the menu.'

Husband dismayed to get cold mutton for dinner again. Wife comments that someone must be economical on the housekeeping money she is given.

''Catch of the day' is anyone who tries to leave without paying.'

"So, our holiday was cancelled but at least our tastebuds can still go to Italy."

Self Service Island