Self-service Enthusiast Pillows

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

DIY Butchers

"Opening a restaurant, eh? What kind?" "Self-service."

Complaints department

"A lot of warranties are about to expire."

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"It was wonderful, Henri. Arnold had died and gone to heaven."

'The customer is always right...'

"To keep prices down, we require you to cook your own food, wait in yourselves and wash your dishes."

"Be careful, this plate is… never mind."

Fast Food Restaurant

"Your confirmation number is 7913842461. To hear this information again press 1."

"... with a side of brown rice, right. And can the delivery guy stop at the pharmacy and pick up my prescription?"

'Hi, my name's Mandy and I'll be your culturally inappropriate annoyance this evening.'

Self Service Island

'I apologize for repeatedly asking if everything is okay, but displaying customer concern is part of our mission statement.'

"Unexpected item in bagging area."

Uptight Fishing...'we put the bait on for you'

"How is it you can commit to world class service but not to me?"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Thanks for waiting."

Kangaroo Pocket

Boy cleaning servant's shoes

"Hang on hon. A table with a more expensive tab needs me."

'I'm tired of using every part of the stupid buffalo -- I wish they'd put a Wal-Mart in around here!'

Condom Delivery

"How much do you think I should I tip myself?"

'You mean you want good communication and competent service?'

DIY helpdesk.

Drive-thru Flu Clinic.

Not in the mood for human interaction line

Coffee shop request for tea in china cup.

'I never get tipped!'

"Faux wood grain towel dispensers, matching toilet plunbers, herb scented urinal cakes, where's it all end, Stan?"