Seeking Counseling Gifts

"I feel like he doesn't respect me."

"F*** your face, you w****!! ...Oh, excuse me, I thought you were my wife."

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"We even tried cyber sex, but the line was always busy."

'Do you ever communicate as a family by just speaking?'

'It's my husband, Doctor. He makes me sick!'

I'He used to star in porno films. Now he can only get aroused if he has an audience.'

"We would have divorced years ago if it wasn't for the children - neither of us would take them!"

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

Licensed Therapist

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

'...when did you first get these feelings of wanting to be a psychiatrist?'

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

Try Mediation

'Great Therapy!'

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"I scream! You scream! I can't stop the screaming!"