Security Checkpoint Comedy Fan Pillows

"Did you pack that pouch yourself? Have you allowed anyone else to carry it for you. Any sharp items or liquids?. . ."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"As I was only saying the other day..."

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"Okay so which one stole your cereal?"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Actually it's quite nice. It's just that I don't think I'm your dad."

"Identity theft hotline? Yes, it's Dracula again. Millions of people are still stealing my identity on Halloween."

'Hello, security.'

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

"This is a family operation, Ben, and we're evicting you from our family."

"Let's see how you like it, tough guy!"

"I've come about the guitar lessons..."

"You have one, two, three months to live."

'Could you take a quick look and see if I lost a filling on the upper left row of teeth?'

"Drinking home alone, I think he may have a problem."

IRS 'We'll have one long form, one short form, and one just-right form.'

'Can you spell that?'

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

'Yes, Fluffy was a great dog and to honor her memory, we've decided to keep her name as part of our computer password.'

'Oh no, I've been clamped!'

'Hello, I've just moved in next door. Can I borrow some sugar please?'

'So how do you like the new job?' - 'Not bad, better than walking the streets.'

Beware of the teddy

'It's indigestion due to your lifestyle, you're watching too many T.V. cookery shows.'

Fabric Company: No tulle left in this vehicle overnight

'It's a Mexican Wave, not a 'ALL HAIL TO THE QUEEN' you egotistical tw@t!'

America's Funniest Encrypted Passwords

'If you see a stranger, you kill him -- it's called 'Homeland Security.''

"Beware of owner."