Security Checkpoint Comedy Fan Gifts

"Did you pack that pouch yourself? Have you allowed anyone else to carry it for you. Any sharp items or liquids?. . ."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"As I was only saying the other day..."

"Okay so which one stole your cereal?"

"Actually it's quite nice. It's just that I don't think I'm your dad."

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

Try again - Your password has to include barks, growls, whines and at least one yap.

'Don't try to deny it, Jehovah - we've got witnesses.'

"Identity theft hotline? Yes, it's Dracula again. Millions of people are still stealing my identity on Halloween."

'Hello, security.'

"This is a family operation, Ben, and we're evicting you from our family."

"She barks once for drugs, twice for weapons, and ten times for candy bars."

"I've come about the guitar lessons..."

"You have one, two, three months to live."

"Let's see how you like it, tough guy!"

'I don't know how much longer we can keep paying off these building inspectors.'

'Could you take a quick look and see if I lost a filling on the upper left row of teeth?'

Containment Cops

'Can you spell that?'

"Drinking home alone, I think he may have a problem."

'I was told there would be no un-dressing.'

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

'Yes, Fluffy was a great dog and to honor her memory, we've decided to keep her name as part of our computer password.'

IRS 'We'll have one long form, one short form, and one just-right form.'

'Oh no, I've been clamped!'

Beware of the teddy

'Hello, I've just moved in next door. Can I borrow some sugar please?'

'Craig Venter is positive, sir. You take an empty cell, fill with Euro soccer hooligan DVD, multiply and defeat the Taliban!'

Fabric Company: No tulle left in this vehicle overnight

'It's indigestion due to your lifestyle, you're watching too many T.V. cookery shows.'

'It's a Mexican Wave, not a 'ALL HAIL TO THE QUEEN' you egotistical tw@t!'

'So how do you like the new job?' - 'Not bad, better than walking the streets.'

America's Funniest Encrypted Passwords

'If you see a stranger, you kill him -- it's called 'Homeland Security.''