Seasonal Satire Fan Gifts

'Well, it's no wonder you haven't been feeling too well lately, Santa - you're 96% cholesterol.'

Melting snowman: 'I hate this time of year!'

"Don't get me wrong. I love working at the North Pole, I just wish one damn store around here sold non-pointed shoes."

Missing Daylight: So dark. So cold.

Closing Laugh: Santa's Grotto

Wintertime Barometer.

"Wow! She's hot."

"I don't really like Christmas." "Oh, be quiet. Have a pear."

"Little help?"

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

The Frankenstein snowman.

Futile Little Snow Shoveler Guy Snow Globe

"Ancient Aztec shaman-kings predicted a coming together of all the cultures of the world, creating a new enlightenment for human beings."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

SANTA'S ATTORNEY

"Right so that's agreed, we can say 'Happy Festive Season' as long as we add the caveat that we are in no way liable for any lack of 'happiness' or a surfeit of 'misery'!"

"Wow. I just had a near life experience!"

Snowman and stickmen losing arms

'He wants to return some shade trees because they stopped working in November.'

Santa with a boy on his knee:' I've got your 300 dollars. Did you bring your Mom and Dad's social security numbers and password information?'

"We've decided to cut back and have Christmas every other year."

'We need more cake shows!'

"You're really serious about that diet!"

"Wake up, it's Spring and we forgot to vote!"

'They're clouds, Bob. You can't channel surf.'

Night of the Living Reindeer

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

"Did you get some work done?"

"Has your husband been exposed to Christmas at all?"

Woman on a Pedestal. . . Who Married the Mothers Boy.

'Year after year I play Santa, and I still don't know how to give.'

"Look at you, all gnarly and naked and gross!"

"Defending you isn't going to be easy. . . Sana actually started an 'Extremely cruel, stupid and psychotic kid' list especially for you."

The Three Wise Women

Santa's grotto advertising 'Talk to Santa', is next to a diet clinic with a sign in the window, 'Santa, talk to us.'