School Tales Fan Gifts

"So you spilled your soda, big deal!"

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

'I told you we should have done the balloon toss.'

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

"Dad got your note threatening to fail me. Here's dad's attorney's note threatening to sue you."

'They've all tested positive for stress.'

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

'Sorry I'm late -- the Principal held me for questioning.'

Teacher reading.

'Yep, I did eat his homework, but he begged me to.'

'Sorry I'm late, miss. My alarm clock overslept.'

'You're under my supervision now, principal Hodgkins!'

'According to this book(The pied piper), the only thing you have to do is to play the pipe: The rats should then follow you...'

My mom won't let me walk to school. I might get mugged. She won't let me play sports. I might get injured. West Fester High School. And she won't let me get onto the scales. Why not? It might hurt my self-esteem.

'I do know the capital of France. It's the letter 'F'!'

Teacher to parents: 'Ah - you're right. What do I know about kids? My biological clock went coo-coo years ago.'

"Who'd like to start today's show and tell?"

'try moderation next time!'

'...by using lightning and the flesh of the undead. Luckily, he turned out to be a charming fellow and brilliant raconteur.'

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'

'Before I begin today's lesson, please turn off your cell phones, beepers and ipods.'

'I did have an eventful day at school, but nothing, in my opinion, to write home about.'

Cow who jumped over the moon with a calf hanging of it's udders.

What witches ride on outside the Halloween season...springsummerfallwinter.

The Sadie Cohen Radio Hour presents: A True Confession. After days of denials, I can no longer keep the truth from my fans. There was a point several years ago where I showed kindness to rudy. I ask your forgiveness. Am I the only one having trouble following.

'Report cards are coming out soon. If you're a gambler, take the under.'

Pinocchio's Confession

You're being extradited to your parents.

'It happens every night - just as you're trying to get some sleep,he starts fluttering about'.

'Tonight there's a small, select meeting of the P.T.A - just you, me and the Head!'