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'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

Teacher to parents: 'Ah - you're right. What do I know about kids? My biological clock went coo-coo years ago.'

'Tonight there's a small, select meeting of the P.T.A - just you, me and the Head!'

"I thought I'd get a much warmer reception."

"Some other kid stole my identity and got all my 'A's."

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'Simpson! Stop causing low-level disruption in class now!'

'As I walk through the halls, I see teachers teaching and students learning and I say to myself, 'what wonderful school, what a wonderful world.''

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

'A dog ate my homework.'

"Tell me, Frankie, what time is it?"

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

Child writes letter to Santa reading 'Sorry Santa, I DO want to go to school'.

Wanda takes a more proactive approach.

"Yes, Donald, I know you didn't expect a test today... that's why it's called a pop quiz!"

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

'The first person to learn anything leaves immediately!'

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

'The principal is keeping my teacher after school. She kicked the computer.'

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

'I'm not late. Everyone learns at their own speed.'

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

'You might not know it now but I used to have some great lesson plans.'

Student goes through home room sees his home.

"I forgot my homework, but there's a video of me doing it on youtube."

'...All I can say is, the judge was adamant about his gag order on the case.'

"You like woodwork class then, son?"

"Why do I have to learn to tell time? Can't I just listen for the bell?"

"Sorry Santa, I DO want to go to school."

'Yep, I did eat his homework, but he begged me to.'

"We've unleashed your child's potential—this is as good as it's going to get."

'Dad, the teacher said my grades remind her of old times. She says she was your teacher too.'