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"I stood up to the class bully like you said, Dad. . . then she punched me in the eye!"

"Ms. Trevor growled at me."

'This note from your teacher says you're doing great for a six year old. Doesn't she know you're fifteen?'

'TOLD ME YET. WHAT?'

"There's something weird about Emily. She actually likes school!"

'I didn't do my homework because I forgot my user name and password.'

'I'll give your note to my parents but our family policy is to never negotiate with terrorists.'

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

'A dog ate my homework.'

'Second grade. When did you discover 'LMNOP' wasn't one letter?'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

"I really love school. There's only one problem. I think not having a college degree is holding me back."

"It's Labor Day! The unofficial last day of summer!"

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

"Finally...school starts next week."

"But why can't I bring him to class? He's my therapy toad!"

“Hands, Rachel. Clap your hands. Why on earth would I say, ‘If you’re happy and you know it, slap Sam’?”

I miss recess!

A Grade Two student explains why he is so eager to get back to school.

"Coming soon...what I did over summer vacation...the podcast!"

"Get real Dad, those are LAST years colors!"

'I work at a school's Lost Property Office: I track down the owners of lost items...'

Criminal background checks on teachers? How come? To weed out child abusers. Ha! When you taught, you were routinely accused of severe abuse, mother. True. I inflicted the letters "C," "D" and "F" on many of my students. Wow! That's so outlawed.

"How was first grade? I don't know yet. I spent all day in the Principal's office."

"Today in school we learned how to text our names."

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

"I knew there'd be pitfalls when I became a teacher, but thirty to a classroom is too many."

Littletown High School. And that's where Bubba Parker stomped me

Classroom.

"I can't believe school ends in three months! Sometimes I wish it would never end. But I guess endings make you appreciate the present."

"Timmy, thank you for your science report..."Yawning is Contagious.'"

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

'Are you sure I should read my book report to the class? --�It's PG-13.'