School Satire Appreciation Gifts

'I can understand you getting upset when they make fun of your little arms, but eating your classmates is not the answer.'

'Simpson! Stop causing low-level disruption in class now!'

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

"Tell me, Frankie, what time is it?"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

'The first person to learn anything leaves immediately!'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

'They've all tested positive for stress.'

"Let me know if that level of medication is effective. And if we need to, we can give some to the student as well."

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

'Teacher says I don't pay attention, I have no retention but I'm great at detention.'

"You like woodwork class then, son?"

'...All I can say is, the judge was adamant about his gag order on the case.'

'It's the new guidance counselor. He's lost.'

"Unruly, talking back, lack of respect...and that's just the parents."

'I don't think it was a very productive year for Ms. Read. We learned to use all twenty six letters, and she only learned to use the 'C'.'

"Before I begin, everyone must sign a non-disclosure agreement."

A headmaster in the stocks covered in rotten eggs.

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

I Do Not have OCD

"A parent/teacher conference? Let me check my schedule and I'll have my people get with your people."

"It's been redacted for security reasons."

I shall not insult my stupid, fat, idiotic, ugly, lousy teacher...

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'

'I spoke to my therapist and she says it's okay if I don't like you.'

'Now that I've met you, I think I agree with my daughter.'