School Satire Appreciation Gifts

'I can understand you getting upset when they make fun of your little arms, but eating your classmates is not the answer.'

'Simpson! Stop causing low-level disruption in class now!'

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"Tell me, Frankie, what time is it?"

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

'The first person to learn anything leaves immediately!'

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

'They've all tested positive for stress.'

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

"Let me know if that level of medication is effective. And if we need to, we can give some to the student as well."

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

'Teacher says I don't pay attention, I have no retention but I'm great at detention.'

'It's the new guidance counselor. He's lost.'

"You like woodwork class then, son?"

'...All I can say is, the judge was adamant about his gag order on the case.'

"Unruly, talking back, lack of respect...and that's just the parents."

'I don't think it was a very productive year for Ms. Read. We learned to use all twenty six letters, and she only learned to use the 'C'.'

"Before I begin, everyone must sign a non-disclosure agreement."

A headmaster in the stocks covered in rotten eggs.

I Do Not have OCD

"It's been redacted for security reasons."

'I spoke to my therapist and she says it's okay if I don't like you.'

"Your son has an unctuous, grasping, power-hungry quality we find unattractive in a five-year-old."

I shall not insult my stupid, fat, idiotic, ugly, lousy teacher...

"A parent/teacher conference? Let me check my schedule and I'll have my people get with your people."

'Now that I've met you, I think I agree with my daughter.'

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'