School Satire Enthusiasts Gifts

'The principal is busy right now, so I have to put you on hold. Would you like to hear our mission statement sung by the school chorus?'

'I bullied so many kids with text messages I got RSI.'

'Simpson! Stop causing low-level disruption in class now!'

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

The Ekert Saga: 'Ah, another week of school begins...might as well try to make the most of it!...You're crampin' my style, Ekert.'

"Tell me, Frankie, what time is it?"

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"Oh well, if you really want to see some scary chest thumping, come with me now and I'll show my school report to my dad..."

'The first person to learn anything leaves immediately!'

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

'They've all tested positive for stress.'

"Yeah, but good luck getting it peer-reviewed."

'I can understand you getting upset when they make fun of your little arms, but eating your classmates is not the answer.'

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

'Teacher says I don't pay attention, I have no retention but I'm great at detention.'

'It's the new guidance counselor. He's lost.'

"That's alright, I'll keep you company: I'm not in a hurry to get to school..."

'...All I can say is, the judge was adamant about his gag order on the case.'

"You like woodwork class then, son?"

'My grades don't look good right now, but I can fix that in Photoshop.'

"Unruly, talking back, lack of respect...and that's just the parents."

'I don't think it was a very productive year for Ms. Read. We learned to use all twenty six letters, and she only learned to use the 'C'.'

"Before I begin, everyone must sign a non-disclosure agreement."

"It's been redacted for security reasons."