School Assembly Gifts

"For me, it all began one gray and chilly morning in the grim maternity ward of a borderline hospital on the Upper West Side."

'Mr Sumo's kindly come along to show us what to do if we're ever bullied!'

'And this year's 'Inquisitive Learner Award' goes to...'

"A student skipped a model U.N. meeting – now he's claiming diplomatic immunity."

Yearbook

'Smashing party, Miss - can we have another one tomorrow?'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

"That concludes my presentation on popular music and alternative energy."

Paul goes home for the holidays

'You must be Jimmy's father . . .'

This is Twig's scene. Get ready! That's her! Where? There! Too late. Nice shot of Jessie Caldwell. Wasn't she fabulous.

King of Music.

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

'Remember me, Fred? I sat next to you in class and you said I'd never amount to anything.'

'Ooops! My mistake. That was the yearly budget estimate, no the monthly estimate.'

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

Show and Tell.

'You can't blame the kids for being restless when we have math teachers teaching French, and English teachers teaching science.'

For our eco-night entertainment we have Kim's "Dance Against Global Warming," Zahir's "Rap for the Eco Cure" and Twig's "Post-Carbon Poetry Slam." How about you, Jason? I'll explain metal organic vapor deposition in solar panels. Well! We'll see who's into heavy metal.

'Well, when you mess up on the job, you know where you stand with me.'

'For the next hour, hold all calls. I'll be practicing tumbling. I have to learn to roll with the punches.'

"SUPERintendent! What kind of powers do you have?"

'You failed your Latin exam! But Sweety, it's important to learn Latin: All your friends' names have Latin roots...'

'In a slight change to the programme, the second year jazz quartet aren't playing 'Hello Dolly'. They are however playing truant!'

'I'm so proud of Trevor for getting an early start on his negative campaign for Student Council.'

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

Science fair judge sees flower pot broken on floor near sign saying 'gravity'.

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

Our eco-prom theme is "Jungle Paradise." Decorations will be live plants. I see where this is leading. Can you bring in trees and bushes for the night? Sure. But

"Your son's web presence doesn't make up for his truancy."

'I have an open-door policy, but only until the air conditioner is repaired.'

PTA Meeting Tonight: Parents,Teachers,Attorneys

'Oh, we don't actually teach math any more ? we found it was too hard on the kids' self-esteem.'