School Meeting Gifts

'Oh, we don't actually teach math any more ? we found it was too hard on the kids' self-esteem.'

I will not peek at my phone during parent-teacher conference....

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

'And this year's 'Inquisitive Learner Award' goes to...'

"A student skipped a model U.N. meeting – now he's claiming diplomatic immunity."

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

Group Think Time

Billy, can you deliver your show 'n tell this time without the fog machine?

Yearbook

'Smashing party, Miss - can we have another one tomorrow?'

'I never get a good night's sleep. Thank God for these office meetings!'

Paul goes home for the holidays

"That concludes my presentation on popular music and alternative energy."

Common Core Family Therapy

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"I got all Z's because I fell asleep in class."

'You must be Jimmy's father . . .'

"Next meeting back to paper. Everyone missed doodle."

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

King of Music.

'Every child is an artist but it appears your Candice is a plumber.'

'Remember me, Fred? I sat next to you in class and you said I'd never amount to anything.'

'Ooops! My mistake. That was the yearly budget estimate, no the monthly estimate.'

'Before we begin, he's the one that's been helping me with my homework.'

Parent Involvement Tip #1

Show and Tell.

"I'm sorry, but your child just isn't very sharp. But don't worry. It's perfectly natural."

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

For our eco-night entertainment we have Kim's "Dance Against Global Warming," Zahir's "Rap for the Eco Cure" and Twig's "Post-Carbon Poetry Slam." How about you, Jason? I'll explain metal organic vapor deposition in solar panels. Well! We'll see who's into heavy metal.

"I'm sorry-his I.Q. is actually on the charts."

'I called you in to talk to you about your son not being able to sit still.'

'Next time, Featherton, I'd like to see your sales projections without the clouds.'