School Assembly Pillows

"For me, it all began one gray and chilly morning in the grim maternity ward of a borderline hospital on the Upper West Side."

'Mr Sumo's kindly come along to show us what to do if we're ever bullied!'

"A student skipped a model U.N. meeting – now he's claiming diplomatic immunity."

Yearbook

'Smashing party, Miss - can we have another one tomorrow?'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

"That concludes my presentation on popular music and alternative energy."

Paul goes home for the holidays

'You must be Jimmy's father . . .'

'Remember me, Fred? I sat next to you in class and you said I'd never amount to anything.'

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

King of Music.

'Ooops! My mistake. That was the yearly budget estimate, no the monthly estimate.'

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

Show and Tell.

'Yes I think we did go to school together. Wasn't you the old headmistress?'

'You can't blame the kids for being restless when we have math teachers teaching French, and English teachers teaching science.'

'Well, when you mess up on the job, you know where you stand with me.'

'For the next hour, hold all calls. I'll be practicing tumbling. I have to learn to roll with the punches.'

'You failed your Latin exam! But Sweety, it's important to learn Latin: All your friends' names have Latin roots...'

"SUPERintendent! What kind of powers do you have?"

'In a slight change to the programme, the second year jazz quartet aren't playing 'Hello Dolly'. They are however playing truant!'

Science fair judge sees flower pot broken on floor near sign saying 'gravity'.

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

'I'm so proud of Trevor for getting an early start on his negative campaign for Student Council.'

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

"Your son's web presence doesn't make up for his truancy."

'I have an open-door policy, but only until the air conditioner is repaired.'

PTA Meeting Tonight: Parents,Teachers,Attorneys

'Oh, we don't actually teach math any more ? we found it was too hard on the kids' self-esteem.'

'The good news is that all the teachers liked the weekend brainstorming retreat. The bad news is that twelve of them are out today with splitting headaches.'

'It's someone from the Society for Ethical Treatment of Principals asking for a donation.'