Scholarly Showman Gifts

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

"None of this research would have been possible without all the bitter professional vendettas that kept me going . . . "

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

E=Emcee Squared

Too big to fail

The Giamatti era

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

'This is going really well. I did a great job organizing this lecture.'

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

Monkey Business College

"It also doubles as a karaoke machine."

Jerry's dancing dogs

"At this school we stress critical thinking. And right now I'm very critical of your thinking."

'After reviewing my student loans, I wrote my thesis on deficit spending.'

Thomas Carlyle

Precisely Inprecise

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

"I promised myself I would never let this happen to me."

The Abominable Showman...

'I seek an audience with the king.'

'I'm not interested in what the paper is about, Dr Jones, I just want you to put me on the authors' list...'

Atilla the Hun, sadly neglected by historians for his progressive approach to personnel management.

Emile Durkheim

"Our interview with the author of the best-selling book, 'how I never paid taxes', has been postponed 5 to 10 years."

"Why always a book report? Why not ever a TV show report?"

An interview with Codlin and Short

Elvis

'You doubtless remember my speech last year...'

Remedial test taking 101: I ain't got no pencil!.

Welcome to Winsome: Formerly, college of Liberal Arts and now College of Conservative Arts.

"I became a boss because I was afraid to become an employee and get a boss like me!"