Scavenger Satirist Pillows

Vegetarian restaurant: 'Two vegetarians please.'

A man peddles U.S. flags on the sidewalk, next to a man peddling copies of the U.S. constitution

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Extinction of the dinosaurs fully explained

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'It's cheaper than gas.'

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

'Screen saver. . . or did his computer freeze again?'

Illogic Tree

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Elon Musk is buying rope and walnuts."

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

Johnson allows the Delta variant to run wild in Britain

"It's not carrots but the love of carrots that's the root of all evil."

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

Failure is no an option: "I'd now like to speak on the topic of government bailouts!"

The breakup

"The Treasury is fairly sure that the figures in the budget are correct, they might just not be in the right order!"

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

"Rumours of a crisis in the NHS are groundless...Spending is up by 2%, management ratios down by 62%..."

Let's tell the folks in the Garlic Belt there's no budget for steps 2 and 3.

Barbed Pen

'Marketing reports they're fooled all of the people all of the time.'

'We need to change our marketing strategy.'

The Good Breathing Guide

'When I drink, I don't drive my car.'