Scavenger Satirist Gifts

Vegetarian restaurant: 'Two vegetarians please.'

A man peddles U.S. flags on the sidewalk, next to a man peddling copies of the U.S. constitution

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Extinction of the dinosaurs fully explained

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'It's cheaper than gas.'

'Screen saver. . . or did his computer freeze again?'

'Apologists today said little white lies -- but not the big lie -- may have played a part in Iraq Policies....'

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

Illogic Tree

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Elon Musk is buying rope and walnuts."

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

Johnson allows the Delta variant to run wild in Britain

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

So that's it? I've tweeted a risque photo of my bicep. What happens next? We wait for the outpouring. I'm ready. Bring on the outrage. C'mon media! Let's hear your disgust that some old man would brazenly send such a lascivious photo. Then, with the world looking at me, I'll astound them with my idea of a universal health care system! Wait. Wait. Not yet. it's time for my first nap of the day. Can we do this later? What? Zzzzz. Best way for this to end.

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

"It's not carrots but the love of carrots that's the root of all evil."

"The Treasury is fairly sure that the figures in the budget are correct, they might just not be in the right order!"

Donald Glover

Failure is no an option: "I'd now like to speak on the topic of government bailouts!"

The breakup

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"Rumours of a crisis in the NHS are groundless...Spending is up by 2%, management ratios down by 62%..."

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

Tarzan mobile phone

'We need to change our marketing strategy.'

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

Let's tell the folks in the Garlic Belt there's no budget for steps 2 and 3.

'Marketing reports they're fooled all of the people all of the time.'

Office of the PR of the United States

"The militant hard-liners are making demands, the fanatical zealots are issuing threats, and the moderate centrists are offering suggestions."