Satirical Scavenger Gifts

'Would sir like to start with the hors d'oeuvres, or just go to the main corpse?'

Check out the nice crawdads I have in the bait bucket, George.

A man peddles U.S. flags on the sidewalk, next to a man peddling copies of the U.S. constitution

"I'm weighed down with so many gadgets, I'll need a push to start me off."

'It's cheaper than gas.'

Failure is no an option: "I'd now like to speak on the topic of government bailouts!"

Phone Hacking Explained - 50 p.

Scandalous! The Germans are occupying the best places on the beach!

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

"Rumours of a crisis in the NHS are groundless...Spending is up by 2%, management ratios down by 62%..."

"It all comes down to the aging and fermentation process."

'Because only men can believe than 1 inch equals a mile.'

"Long time commenter, first time reader. . ."

"Oh! I thought that was our party manifesto..."

"Papers late again, Murphy?"

'I should warn you, I charge double if you want me to examine both of them, Mrs. Jacobs.'

Vegetarian restaurant: 'Two vegetarians please.'

"We’ve been told to cut the drugs budget so in future Louella here will be chanting away your pain."

"I live for twenty four hours. How can I fund a 401 K?"

"The Scrimpshaws have finally decided to deposit their savings."

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

'Now don't take this wrong, but it seems the whistling in your ears is just the wind blowing through your head.'

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

'I'll keep your application on file in case something else comes up.'

Mild in the Streets

'Bob, I think I hate people.'

'Just bring us whatever's scurrying around the kitchen floor.'