Scaremongering Satirist Pillows

Some days I just burst with pride being a journalist.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Mister Bundles VS. The Martians - Party Twenty Three

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

Sock Puppet in Literature

Star Wars vs Star Trek

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Exciting potato bugs.

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Redhead

"I didn't invent the wheel. I invented the pizza."

The little engine that delegated

Dear (some of) my fellow lefties. . . shut up and get the hell off my side.

'Secondhand smoke.'

William Makepeace Thackeray.

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"'Burned out,' Parker?- I wasn't aware you ever even 'caught fire.'"

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Send for a Prftgxrgplwtkn interpreter - case adjourned for a thousand light years."

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

Waiting Room For Godot.

Eucharist

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

'He lost his whistle,'

'Don't believe everything you read.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Thomas Carlyle

The Death Star gets a marketing makeover.

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

"Never go to a church during a hurricane. They only provide shelter from taxes."

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"