Scaremongering Satirist Pillows

Some days I just burst with pride being a journalist.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Sock Puppet in Literature

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Redhead

"I didn't invent the wheel. I invented the pizza."

The little engine that delegated

William Makepeace Thackeray.

'Secondhand smoke.'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"'Burned out,' Parker?- I wasn't aware you ever even 'caught fire.'"

Dear (some of) my fellow lefties. . . shut up and get the hell off my side.

"Send for a Prftgxrgplwtkn interpreter - case adjourned for a thousand light years."

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

'He lost his whistle,'

Eucharist

'I just read 'Moby Dick'...do you have anymore 'whale hate' literature?'

Waiting Room For Godot.

'Don't believe everything you read.'

Thomas Carlyle

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"Thank god for Sudoku."

"My book is actually about 12th century Etruscan pottery but I thought it might sell better if I aimed it at the children's market."

'According to creation mathematicians, all of Euclid's theories were originally found etched into rocks.'

"Never go to a church during a hurricane. They only provide shelter from taxes."