Scavenger Humorist Pillows

'Bob, I think I hate people.'

'Maybe you just got a hold of something fresh.'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

'10,000 years and no one's improved on the idea of meat on a stick!'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

'That was the best 'Filet Magnon' I've had in a while.'

"It all comes down to the aging and fermentation process."

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

Barbed Pen

"Right, I'd better go...corpses on't pick themselves clean y'know!"

'When I drink, I don't drive my car.'

"What's the first letter of the alphabet?"

'Have you ever wondered how deep the ocean would be without sponges?'

Female parking space

"Would it kill you to ask me how I'm doing once and a while?"

'This has been his most productive day ever. I almost hate to wake him.'

"I once mistakenly thought I was dating someone for a whole month because I couldn't tell his texts were sarcastic."

It was supposed to be a friendly takeover?

Rude Cactus

'Would sir like to start with the hors d'oeuvres, or just go to the main corpse?'

'Oh no, he's only the Health and Safety Officer.'

Santa brings an ostrich some sand in which to bury its head.

'Is that some kind of a cruel joke? They're not dying, they're turning into Zombies!'

Vegetarian restaurant: 'Two vegetarians please.'

Yes-man.

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're pursuing bankruptcy. It's more like bankruptcy is pursuing us."