Scavenger Humorist T-Shirts

'Bob, I think I hate people.'

'Maybe you just got a hold of something fresh.'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

'10,000 years and no one's improved on the idea of meat on a stick!'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

So that's it? I've tweeted a risque photo of my bicep. What happens next? We wait for the outpouring. I'm ready. Bring on the outrage. C'mon media! Let's hear your disgust that some old man would brazenly send such a lascivious photo. Then, with the world looking at me, I'll astound them with my idea of a universal health care system! Wait. Wait. Not yet. it's time for my first nap of the day. Can we do this later? What? Zzzzz. Best way for this to end.

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

'That was the best 'Filet Magnon' I've had in a while.'

'When I drink, I don't drive my car.'

"Right, I'd better go...corpses on't pick themselves clean y'know!"

"It all comes down to the aging and fermentation process."

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

Barbed Pen

"What's the first letter of the alphabet?"

Female parking space

'Have you ever wondered how deep the ocean would be without sponges?'

"Would it kill you to ask me how I'm doing once and a while?"

'This has been his most productive day ever. I almost hate to wake him.'

"I once mistakenly thought I was dating someone for a whole month because I couldn't tell his texts were sarcastic."

It was supposed to be a friendly takeover?

Santa brings an ostrich some sand in which to bury its head.

Rude Cactus

Yes-man.

"Is everything to your satisfaction, Modom?"

Vegetarian restaurant: 'Two vegetarians please.'

Oh no! What's wrong? I tweeted a sarcastic insult about Brian Blount, my nemesis in the race for class president. So? So … the sarcasm didn't come through. All my followers think I was praising him. Oh. Yeah, well sarcasm's tricky online. Oh no! My followers are confused about where my loyalties lie. Oh no! Some of them are calling me a sellout. They're saying they're disillusioned! Oh no! Now they've split into two factions, those who say I'm a sellout and those who say maybe Brian Blount isn't

'Is that some kind of a cruel joke? They're not dying, they're turning into Zombies!'